the winter in toronto this year's so long, it's already near the end of march but the soccer field with yellow dead grass in the central campus still shows no sign of spring. i suddenly remember last year was like that too, the spring came shortly for a poor fortnight and the summer followed closely behind that. toronto, a city without spring.
i've realised a long time ago that i'm not a sociable person at all. as long as it's not sth that interests me or attracts me i won't take the initiative to do it unless forced to. my rez life last year was really remarkable with my roomy. this year i'm living in a single room and there's no one like jess who drags me around participating in varous events. besides i'm not planning to come back next year so i've kinda lost the driving force and motivation in socialising with floormates, living within a shell of seclusion. personally i'm perfectly ok with it, since i'm not a keen person in socialising, without which i can still survive, and even live more happily. too bad for me in a sense that a bigger social network may work for one better in the future. i fully understand that but i just don't bother to establish one or expand if there's already one.
ppl say that i appear shy and timid at first sight, but they'll soon find it deceiving when they start to know more about me. i can be crazy at times, in different ways for different reasons. it's sth inbuilt in my characters and i think there's nothing wrong with it. every person has his/her two sides, guess freud has speculated that well enough. i found myself more comfortable with some ppl but not with others. i know wash's friends think that i'm indifferent. i'm really sorry to give them such an impression, which is not true honestly speaking. but i just don't feel like talking to them as much as to laurina, jess, clara, xander blah. i have a feeling that his friends are in a different "world" from mine. they are too westernised compared with all my close friends. but i do like them and they are really nice to me. i should say it's my bad that i haven't taken any step to bridge that difference, but i'm just too passive to do anything.
one more thing about passiveness, is that i think guys should never be passive in doing anything. that's just not so manly. i often encounter unfamiliar guys on dining tables and most of the time we just eat our meals quietly. well, i wouldn't care at all if they are random guys, but most of them are friends of my floormates and are introduced to me by my floormates. it's damn awkward to eat together without a word. sometimes i can become flustered and frustrated about it, racking my brain to keep some conversations going on, if not some wise ones. but when i thought through it, i just began to laugh at myself. they were at the same situation as me and why didn't they take the initiative to start a conversation? after this revelation, i never started to speak first. wise decision.
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