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i've been fighting with my bf through the phone quite frequently recently. the last fight was started on a very stupid comment and we haven't reconsiled yet. i sensed that this time our fight marked something different.
when i fought with my bf before, i would regret letting my horrible temper go freely soon after. i can be really impulsive and insane when i'm angry. then when he called me we would just reconsile. i admit it was my fault this time, but i just feel indifferent towards resolving the problem and i'm just sick of any more talking. communication is important but communication in excess just can't do any help, in fact it exacerbates the already existed tension. maybe this is because he's not physically around me--long distance relationship is just not gonna work. he hopes that i can be more dependent on him in daily life and emotion-wise. but i feel my individualism/independence just floods over my brain when he's away. i just feel that i'm as well comfortable with myself alone comparing to being together with him. i just can't feel the necessity of him being with me. is he really that essential in my life? is this feeling just an illusion produced when he's away? it's beyond my reckon. when i was young i innocently thought there's true love in this world, love that cannot be separated by distance, death, age, race, family background and culture. now i can really give a laugh at my silliness.
i told my lab mentor, jamie, about my uneasiness, and he thinks the reason why long distance relationship always fails being insecurity. i agree with him very much. i told him that my bf might go US for grad school and asked him to comment on the possibility of us continue the relationship. and he gave a quite negative comment. according to jamie's experience, insecurity causes frequent quarrels and fights. plus i'm a very pessimisstic person, whenever i have a fight with my bf i just think about giving up. strangely when we started our relationship i never thought like that. maybe i'm getting more pessimisstic over the years in canada. my wrong attitude just doesn't help resolving any problem we may have. nowadays when we begin a fight i just feel tired of it and just want to ignore it. worsestill i have a very very bad habbit: when i want to ignore the problem, i just refuse to talk to him, and he always tries to address the question, and i hang up the phone if we talk through the phone, or i sign off the msnger. i not only hung up the phone at the last fight but also plugged out the phone cord so he would be cut off from reaching me totally. jamie was laughing like hell at my immaturity and silliness. but i think that's the only way to finish the fight that night. otherwise we would have kept talking until 4 or 5am and most probably ended up the fighting nowhere. that may be my "escapism theory". but i'm convinced more and more that it's difficult to change a person, especially when two of you have totally diverged upbringing and cultural background. talking/communication doesn't work here at all. no matter how hard you try one just won't be convinced by another. i am such a person, i hold certain strong beliefs, no matter how thorough your argument is i just adhere to my doctrine tightly, if not tighter. the wise way of dealing with my "stubborness" is better to just go with my way of thinking. i may be accused of being too self-centered/stubborn, if you see it in a negative way; but i think it is more of a manifestation of my individualism. i don't need others to teach me how to live my life, i'm already fully prepared for it and even if i'm not, i will still go my own way. i will heed other ppl's suggestions and recommendations but never ever expect me to change myself to accommodate for certain principles held by others just because of that.
i do feel insecure when he's away. insecure as in, i don't feel the necessity of his existance in my life. i don't mean i'm afraid of him cheating on me, so far that's not what i'm concerned about. i told him that if he goes to US in one year, i may want a breakup. honestly speaking i would try, see how far we can go. but i'm really not confident at all. i've experienced long distance relationship once before with my ex-bf, and that was a horrible horrible experience. from the time i realised that he didn't love me, or he hadn't loved me at all, my principle of love, which has been held in my mind from the time when i was still a teenage girl, when i first understood what the word "love" means, was totally shattered. i understand my breakup with him may not be solely due to long distance. but the phrase "long distance" has just left a hole in my mind. i should say, if i can have everything start all over again, i wish i had never become that guy's girlfriend. if so i may have less "stubborness" and "escapism" in my personality; i may have a better time with my bf now, fewer fights, more sweet time.
so my bf hasn't called me in two days. i feel more at peace and relaxed than unhappy. it's time for a break.
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my bf is younger than me. this is the saddest thing ever that i can imagine in a relationship. not that i don't care other aspects of love life, it just happens that i like older guys, better 5-10 years older. "older" means more life experience, more mature personalities, more established, and more caring. i hate guys with really silly minds, uncaring for ppl and knowing less than i do buzzing around like flies. i wish some guy can treat me like a little sister and shower me with love. being together with a younger guy is very stressful. i have to worry this and that, like what if i grow old, what if i look older when standing with him, what if ppl think i'm his older sister, what if he's not mature enough to take care of me. what if he doesn't want to get married before i turn to 30? whole lots of damned shitty questions. whatever i've made up my mind already. if i'm not engaged by 26 and married by 28 i'll look for someone else. girls can't wait. and dare him give a shit on how old/fat/bad i look i will try my best to make his life difficult. i'm a tough one, so don't mess up with me.
2 comments:
Yaya, I'm sorry you're going through this right now. Long distance relationships are extremely difficult to keep...I know that from experience. It seems like they only work if two people have been together for a while and have become tightly bonded so that the seperation does not cause quite as many problems.
I don't think there's more that I can say that Jaime didn't, so just hang in there :-)
hey jeremy, thanks for your concern. i finally made up with my bf. at peace... i must understand this kind of fighting and quarreling will frequent us in the future if he goes to US. better get prepared.
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