My future?

i got back my bch test paper back today. horribly done. i can't believe that i'm among the bottom few but somehow it's within expectation, since i never succeed in any bch test before. think about it, i'm in bch specialist, yet i keep on getting poor marks. i shouldn't have followed others to study this discipline in the first place. i can't see myself in a labcoat doing experiment for graduate study in one year's time, and somemore i may not even get into it. very depressed today. wash didn't do well. but at least he's above average. i'm really worried about my summer job. what if houry picks on me and says, see, i anyhow pick a student in bch class, he or she's better than you. that'll be catastrophic. i can't allow it to happen. this test is 38%, i have to do exceptionally well in the final to pull the overall marks up. i'm quite pessimistic about it. if i can score above 85, pigs would fly. furthermore there are so many smart and hardworking ppl in my class, they'll for sure get higher than i do. there's a girl obtaining 33/33 for one section. hard-core diligent student. i might be above average in the student ranking in the whole university population, yet i must be below average in my bch class. i've persuaded my juniors not to choose bch as the post. but some of them are really keen in it. well, i can't force them not to choose, so, bonne chance to them.

personally, i really feel defeated. there is a chinese saying, everytime defeated, combat again. well, it's no use for me to cry over spilled milk. mourning does not help the situation at all. keep on studying, that's the only way. about the question of going for graduate school, i still have to wait and see. tho i don't like any bch course i'm learning right now, i guess graduate study is different from undergrad. and i can't get to anywhere with just an undergrad degree. so i'll still go ahead with the old plan.

this week's experience is really unforgetable. i slept at 7am on tuesday to complete my lab report due that day. i'll never do that next time. i was totally blanked out the whole day, dizzy and improper functioning of my brain. that's so bad for my health and the report's quality can't be guaranteed as well.